The 75th Hunger Games Ultimate Parody
by thecatclouder
Summary: A direct parody of the 75th Hunger Games pointing out the illogical parts... lots and lots of illogical parts. Finnick and Katniss talking for ages without being attacked at the Cornucopia and more. You'll be left thinking: really, is that actually what we are expected to believe? Also includes the Careers planning the attack on the Cornucopia which gained them nothing at all...
1. The Bloodbath

**Disclaimer: The Hunger Games belong to Suzanne Collins.**

**A/N: Hi everybody, the Catching Fire movie is out today as far as I know. I'm really excited that I will get to see it soon and therefore wrote a parody. Enjoy. **

**Chapter 1 (Bloodbath)**

The cylinder rises into the arena. Katniss spends a few seconds not noticing, then sees the Cornucopia and spokes circulating around it, with two tributes in-between each of the spokes.

Katniss: There is no way this is a clock in any form or way, even though literally every clock I've seen has exactly this layout.

Her eyes focus on the Cornucopia, then again at the spokes leading to it which are many metres away across masses of water.

Katniss: Good thing that I can swim, which I cannot possibly have legally learned in District 12.

She looks around to see Woof is the other one in her section.

Katniss: Okay, hi, I am meant to acknowledge other characters at least once per chapter. As this is still counting down and I know both your name and the probability that you will not make it past the bloodbath, hi.

The gong rings and she dives into the water.

Katniss: Really? I can _dive _as well. This seems rather far-fetched.

She reaches the spoke and runs to the Cornucopia, arriving before anybody including District 4 who can actually swim better due to being the water district. She grabs her bow and arrows and senses somebody behind her, poised with his trident ready to attack.

Katniss: Hey Finnick, I was just thinking about you. Why were you not here faster than me? Did you not see my bloodbath last time? I spent forever waiting around without getting killed somehow. Just let me slowly get my weapons so I can kill you.

Finnick: You can swim too? Where would you learn that in the coal mining district which has no trees or streams as far as anybody knows inside the fence?

Katniss: I hunt illegally, and there is this lake in the fores- [remembers where she is]. I mean, we have a massive big bathtub. Not just recently. I mean, despite the fact that our house was tiny, it was basically all bathtub. I think that must also have been where I learned how to dive.

Finnick: Despite the fact that I called you on it, this is not the time to have the extended conversation. I'll just agree that you must and… no wait, let's talk about the arena. How do you like it?

Katniss: Nah, not particularly. When I'm in a fight to the death I would prefer an environment that I am comfortable in. Ideally one with no mutts to attack me, where I can sleep up a tree which the Careers for some reason cannot climb. Close enough like last time, but with even less danger to me. They made this for you though.

Finnick: Yeah, that's right. They started making this arena for me long before most people knew I was going to the arena with the announcement of the Quarter Quell.

Miraculously, not a single other tribute has attacked them, and although they have been poised to attack each other for a while neither of them are dead.

Finnick: This has gone on more than long enough. We're allies.

He shows her the bangle Haymitch gave him.

Katniss: Really? I'm pretty sure it is a trap. I told Haymitch I did not want allies. I can't believe a drunk who lied to me in the past would lie to me again. Okay, fine, we are allies.

Finnick: Duck. District 5 feels like joining the conversation and we've already been here long enough, so let me kill him.

Katniss ducks and the trident wizzes over her head, into the man from District 5.

Katniss: It's remarkable how you still manage to remain a sympathetic character from this point on. Maybe I should start taking lessons from you. Many people hate me, and it's not like District 5 guy will ever be mentioned again past the sky tonight.

Finnick: Don't trust One and Two. The readers are already finding it hard enough to believe District 4 is suddenly sympathetic this time, and as soon as we start feeling sympathy for the brother and sister who have to fight each other to the death this series is doomed.

Katniss: Obviously. Districts 1 and 2 are the only ones I am still allowed to kill without seeming evil.

Finnick: Let's look at the Cornucopia now, finally.

They both notice that there is nothing but weapons and grab anything else which they need. They find that the Careers are approaching.

Katniss shoots and Enobaria and Gloss. Finnick meanwhile does nothing. Enobaria manages to dive back into the water but Gloss gets hit in the calf.

Gloss: Which way _possible _could you shoot me which hits me in the calf? Seriously, what were you aiming at this low? Sea shells?

Katniss: Sorry, I just can't possibly kill you now because the Careers must make it past the bloodbath in order to be seen as half a threat. Don't worry, later I will kill you in an equally pathetic way. Now shut up, I don't think you have a speaking role in this thing.

Brutus charges at Katniss and she fires at him. He blocks with his belt above his liver, as for some reason she was still aiming lower than a killing shot.

Katniss: My 'shoot to kill' has really gone downhill since training. Let's get out of here.

She's about to run but remembers Peeta, then stares at him thinking about it for an even longer time. Even though the Careers had found the Cornucopia, for some reason they are not yet attacking Katniss or Finnick.

Finnick: I'll get him. I need to give fan fiction writers something to work with in case they want to make me gay. Also, there is this other reason I will not tell you about and I _am _the better swimmer. And you're pregnant.

Katniss: Hey, I beat you here. Hmm, should I pretend to vomit while I am _meant _to be covering you?

Finnick swims off and collects Peeta.

Katniss: This does not seem suspicious at all.

Katniss finally begins to cover Finnick, finding the Careers _still _at the Cornucopia, most of the others _still _at their starting plates, and Mags approaching.

Finnick and Peeta return. Peeta looks oddly at Finnick.

Peeta: Really? I did not know we had allies. Did we inexplicably ally with anybody else I don't know of?

Katniss: I don't think so. Just Mags.

Finnick: Well, I'm not leaving her behind.

They spot that Beetee has figured out how to use the floatation devices then leave into the jungle.

Katniss: Just a second. How can the _Careers _know how to swim? I mean, there is no pool in the Training Centre, and are we meant to believe even Districts 1 and 2 are equipped for something which isn't in most Games I have seen. Somebody answer me. Gloss got an extra line so I get one too…

Finnick: Shut up. You've had more than one extra line.


	2. Random Jungle Sequence

**Disclaimer: The Hunger Games still belongs to Suzanne Collins. **

**A/N: Hi again. Time for the second update of this 75th Hunger Games parody. The next update should come soon. :)**

**Chapter 2** **(Random Jungle Sequence)**

They run up the slope into the jungle. A lot. Finally they stop and Katniss goes up a tree, seeing that they haven't stopped fighting yet.

Katniss: Wow, enough tributes finally got to the bloodbath to start the fight… I mean, they were friends. Why are friends fighting in a fight to the death where only one person can get out? Now, to kill my ally Finnick so he does not kill Peeta my actual true ally. I think just about everybody has forgotten about Mags at this point.

She climbs back down with her bow ready, finding Finnick with his trident in a defensive position.

Katniss: So you can read minds, huh?

Finnick: Nope. I heard you talking to yourself about killing me so I decided I did not want that to happen yet. Instead of attacking you I am allowing you to make the first move, which is not at all suspicious. So, have they all joined hands and started singing happy songs, which naturally happens in a fight to the death?

Katniss: No. What kind of fight to the death were you in? Seriously, I was _loud _last time singing to Rue, but even then the arena was not filled with song. Nobody even noticed for some strange reason, even though if logically each mockingjay passes the melody on to another it would go on until there are no more mockingjays and they were everywhere…

Finnick: No. _Of course _it hasn't happened, because nobody here is a victor by chance. Except those that won with luck, as even strong tributes get killed… and Peeta Mellark. Despite him killing that District 8 girl who everybody forgets about and indirectly District 5, he is still the best person here. You see, even now he is deliberately stepping between us so we don't fight.

Peeta: How many are dead?

Katniss: You may break up a fight but that isn't exactly a cheerful topic. Ah, about six, although I have no idea how I could see that far. It isn't the only thing that doesn't make sense. They are still fighting though, except that one person who looks like he might be doing star jumps.

Peeta: Maybe you need your eyes tested. Either way, we need water. Let's keep moving.

They go up the rest of the hill without finding water. Katniss sees the force field just before Peeta hits it. Katniss runs up to him and finds his heart is no longer beating, then goes hysterical.

Randomly Non-Hysterical Katniss: Wait. If Peeta's heart stopped, why is there no cannon? Isn't that how the cannons work? They see with that tracking chip, like I heard they do in Battle Royale, whether your heart is still beating and then fire the cannon if it isn't. There is no logical other way they could pinpoint the exact time of death. So why is there no cannon?

Katniss is still hysterical when Finnick looks like he's kissing Peeta.

Randomly Non-Hysterical Katniss: Well, this would just further cement these rumours of Finnick being gay. Fan-girls go nuts.

Finnick manages to revive Peeta, who actually in the end is more concerned about Katniss being hysterical than he is about himself.

Finnick: Don't worry, it's just baby hormones. I'm the one who keeps bringing your very clearly untrue story up, which again is not strange at all. Do you think you can move on?

Peeta: Well, we cannot stay here with no shelter, no food and no water. Not that I have reason to believe that it would be at all better anywhere else, and might even be worse, but let's keep moving slowly anyway.

Finnick: Slowly is better than not at all. Let's go then.

Katniss: I'll go first. I can hear the force field. Yeah, that's my story. I'm a bad liar, I know, but for some reason I can hear it in the ear the Capitol reconstructed.

Finnick: Really? The Capitol had to reconstruct you ear and now you can suddenly hear super-well?

Katniss: Somebody bring Finnick up to speed. I think he must have just watched the movie instead of read the book. Ah yes. Saying that will certainly cover up my lie.

They stop after walking a bit further to make camp. Katniss climbs up a tree and sees the surrounding force field, the circular arena and the spokes in the middle. The only water is around the Cornucopia.

Katniss: There is absolutely no way that this could possibly be a clock.

She climbs back down, telling the others what she found. They make camp ten metres from the force field so they can potentially use it as a weapon, even knowing how well that worked out for Haymitch. Katniss goes hunting and finds a 'tree rat' which drank recently. Finnick and Mags do some District 4 type stuff of weaving baskets which could hold water if they ever found some.

The anthem starts and they see the tributes in the sky. Many of these will never be mentioned again from this point on. They receive a sponsor gift, and after many pages of non-suspenseful suspense Katniss figures out it is a spile. Now they have water.

Finnick keeps watch, but Katniss is woken up by the tolling of a bell like in a typical cuckoo clock. Still not thinking the arena is a clock, she wakes up and swaps watches with Finnick.

Katniss: I counted twelve. Am I very unobservant or does this arena only toll for twelve? Either way, you can go to sleep now Finnick.

Finnick: Just remember, I saved you lover and I sleep with my trident gripped _very _tight.

Katniss: I am not going to attack you. I'm not sure if my current 'shoot to kill' reflexes are up to aiming past your belt or calf. But then again, I did manage to catch that tree rat. Just go to sleep. I'll wake you if something happens.

There is a storm, lightning, then fog approaches. It blisters Katniss's skin.

Katniss: Oh look, they have killer fog. Wonder if this counts as 'something'… no, wait, of course it does. Finnick, wake up. And Peeta too. We have got to run… or _fall_ down this hill. Maybe gravity will take us faster. I certainly went down that hill fast in the first movie when I tripped for no real reason although being at home in the forest. No, you could hit some thorns or trees. Let's try and run first, how about that...?


	3. Foggy Monkeys

**Disclaimer: The Hunger Games belong to Suzanne Collins. **

**A/N: Hi everybody. Happy Thanksgiving for those of you reading this who celebrate it. I hope you enjoy this chapter and don't forget to leave a review. I'm getting a lot of readers but only two reviews so far. **

**Chapter 3 (Foggy Monkeys)**

Katniss: Quick! Run! Poisonous fog which burns… wait, didn't we already do this in the first one, just with fire? I know it isn't quite the same but that too burns, doesn't it?

Finnick: Shut up and run.

Finnick picks up Mags and they all run down the hill as quickly as they can. Peeta falls behind as he is not used to running in the forest terrain and because of his leg. Finnick for some reason _is _used to it enough to go fast even though District 4 is the fishing district.

Katniss: Didn't this happen before as well? Peeta really cannot keep up when I run; he couldn't at the Cornucopia last year either. This version though, I actually state in the book… c'mon Peeta, just step where I step. It's not like there is shrubbery in the way preventing you from doing so… oh yeah right, there is.

Peeta falls, Katniss tries to pull him along and Finnick comes back for them.

Finnick: I have to carry him, which when played back in a certain way will also support these people who want there to be me/Peeta slashes. Can you take Mags?

Katniss: I'll try, although at this stage everybody but apparently you knows what is going to happen. The fog got my arm so it would be hard for me to carry anything, and it's a matter of time before it gets my legs as well.

Exactly that happens. Katniss and Mags fall, and Katniss is no longer able to carry Mags.

Katniss: Can you take Mags as well, even though you are also in this same fog which prevents me from carrying her, have already got the far heavier Peeta, and it is not really physically possible to do both at the same time.

Finnick knows the same thing.

Finnick: I'm sorry Mags, I can't.

Mags kisses Peeta then walks into the fog and the cannon fires.

Katniss: This is just about beginning to get strange. I'll consider this later in a lot of detail. Prepare for several pages on this subject later folks.

That happens, but back to the fog… They drag themselves down the rest of the hill until the fog stops behind them. In the movies they also fall, proving just how nimble Katniss is in the forest yet again although this time she actually has an excuse.

Katniss: I told you, falling down a hill could potentially be faster.

Peeta spots monkeys but they think nothing of it. They find that water, whilst incredibly painful, also has healing properties against the fog and removes the chemicals. They spend the next little while dipping into the water, and Peeta and Katniss help Finnick as for some reason he is the worst off. Reasons are suggested but it is never truly explained.

Katniss: I'm pretty sure it is to prove that Finnick isn't the only decent person in this alliance. Peeta and I have basically done nothing so far except make things worse and screw up.

Katniss has the decency not to ask Finnick about Mags, you know for the sake of drama, and they mess around in the water for a little bit not watching Peeta as if they aren't in a fight to the death. Then they spot the monkeys once again, but this time there are many. For some reason they waited until Finnick, Peeta and Katniss had vaguely recovered before attacking, although it seems that they were the hour after the fog and should not have had the problem.

Finnick, Katniss and Peeta creep towards the beach, but Peeta looks at the monkeys the wrong way which sets them off.

Katniss: Mutts! It was pretty obvious, but sometimes I have to state the obvious. That's the job of the narrator.

They fight the monkeys without making much of a dent into the numbers. For some reason, none of the monkeys manage to get Finnick or Katniss from behind when they are otherwise distracted. Katniss runs out of arrows.

Katniss: Peeta! Give me that other sheath of arrows you have for some reason instead of me.

A monkey lunges at him instead. Katniss throws a knife but it misses, and she has no other weapons. She lunges for the monkey but cannot get there in time.

The District 6 morphling does though. There is some other description over several paragraphs, but basically all that happens is that she throws herself at and 'hugs' the monkey and it kills her instead of Peeta.

Peeta takes that time to stab the monkey. Katniss suddenly has Peeta's sheath of arrows and Finnick's weapon is no longer actively engaged.

Katniss: I'll cover you, as suddenly there seem to be less monkeys. Grab her.

They take her to the beach. Finnick watches the trees, as there still seem to be less monkeys and he can hold them all off. Katniss tries to follow but the morphling grips her hand. Katniss considers singing to her like she did Rue, but Peeta speaks to her instead.

Peeta: With my paint box at home, I can make any colour imaginable. Pink, as pale as a baby's skin. Yellow-green, like the colour of the vomit we will surely throw up after this experience… Blue that shimmers like ice on water.

Peeta goes on to talk about rainbows and such, and the morphling likes that. She paints what seems like a flower on Peeta's face with her own _blood_, as that was what she was touching before and is the only thing it can be.

Peeta: Thank you, that looks beautiful. Does anybody else notice that I conveniently don't have any major scabs on my face so it is visible… and if I do, won't that contribute to diseases being passed on…? Never mind. Thank you, that looks beautiful.

The cannon fires and he carries her out to water, where she floats until she is picked up by the hovercraft.

Katniss: If this arena is a giant dome, where does the hovercraft come from? Is there some sort of door in the top of the dome, or is the hovercraft always just here inside it? If that is the case, they would not want these Games to last very long, as with the humidity the bodies would start smelling very fast… but I don't always see the hovercraft. Can it also go invisible…?

Finnick, who has reappeared and is holding all the arrows Katniss shot, looks annoyed.

Finnick: Shut up Katniss. We do not need your monologue to point out the holes in this story, least of all to the Capitol who can change things. Remember that.

Katniss: Sorry, I was not listening. I was thinking about more plot holes in this story I could announce.


	4. Friends and Allies

**Disclaimer: The Hunger Games belong to Suzanne Collins. **

**A/N: Yep, another chapter. Replying to Guest who asked whether I had read the books, I pretty obviously have as quite a few of them are semi-direct quotations from the book rather than the movie. Enjoy this chapter. Again, I would like some more reviews although I was glad to get quite a few last time. Without further ado, another chapter: **

**Chapter 4 (Friends and Allies)**

Katniss: Okay, back to the plot. Where did the monkeys go?

Finnick: The vines moved and they disappeared, as the Gamemakers can do that. Remember, they even did it in your arena with the wolf mutts. You know, they made them appear out of air from holographic projections. Because that _totally_ makes sense, even in the wildest reigns of sci-fi.

Katniss: I know, I know. Stop reminding me. People are going to start wondering whether this is a 74th or 75th Hunger Games parody soon.

Katniss notices that the wounds from the fog have scabbed over and started itching, which she takes a good sign. Finnick and Peeta are scratching their skin.

Katniss: Don't scratch. It'll bring infection and I can't lose you two or it will sound like I am talking to myself. Also, I _love _Peeta, so yeah, I totally want to save him.

Finnick finds seashells to store drinking water and Peeta taps the tree.

Katniss: Why don't you two rest? It's still night after all, even though it felt like everything took a lot longer than that… wait, if it's night, how can you see the seashells? Wouldn't it have been more realistic to wait until morning?

Finnick: That is not a plot hole. They are all over the beach.

Katniss: Are you sure? All I see is dark sand. And how is it we fought the monkeys so well if we could barely see them?

Finnick: Just shut up and go to sleep.

Katniss: _Fine_.

She considers how she now no longer wants to kill Finnick and actually trusts him, as he could have saved Mags instead of Peeta. While this could possibly be due to a weird aforementioned Peeta/Finnick slash, she does the rational thing and pushes that idea out of her head. There is a first time for everything.

When she wakes up next it is mid-morning. Peeta is still asleep and Finnick has done a lot of things, including making them a shelter, weaving several bowls and collecting water and shellfish.

Katniss: You see, this is what people who are meant to be on guard should do. This is great hospitality.

She sees that Finnick has been crying, likely over Mags, but ignores it. Also, she finds that she had scratched her own scabs, wounds which won't do anything at all after this next scene.

Finnick: You know, if you scratch it brings infection.

Katniss: That's what I heard. Haymitch! If you aren't too drunk, as you probably are, give us something for our skin! For some reason I did not consider attempting this in my first Games. Maybe it is because Haymitch is a bigger character this time round so can have some off-screen influence… no wait, that still makes no sense… he got that pot of burn cream for me and communicated with me almost telepathically, getting me sponsors somehow and, never mind, we are getting too far from the plot.

This works. They get some putrid smelling ointment that makes them look like they are decomposing.

Katniss: Hey Finnick! Is this the first time you haven't looked pretty?

Finnick: Yeah, most likely. The sensation is completely new as I haven't ever done exactly this before. How do you live with it all these years?

Katniss: Um, just avoid mirrors, it isn't that noticeable. I don't think I even had a mirror in my old house, although that was less to do with the ugliness and more to do with the fact that we couldn't afford it. Our house was one massive big bathtub, remember. Either way, I'm going to wake Peeta.

Finnick: No, let's do it together. This story will have enough dark parts so let's have a bit of fun. Let's put our faces right in front of him when we wake him.

Katniss: Let's hope he does not sleep with a knife like Haymitch does. We probably look like some sort of mutts.

Finnick: Nah, there is absolutely no reason why somebody who is in a fight to the death for a second time would possibly sleep with weapons. And it's not like anybody ever said the 'he is handy with a knife' while you were in a tree above them, something which is never mentioned in the series again.

They wake Peeta, who screams. Every time he tries to get them to stop laughing they laugh even harder. A single loaf of District 4 bread comes down with a silver parachute, which Finnick stares at possessively.

Finnick: Don't worry. I like bread, is all.

Peeta: I like bread. In fact, speak with a certain accent and my name _is _bread.

Finnick: You are just tempting fan fiction writers, and that is not a good thing. They'll make us very OOC with clumsy bread puns...

After a while, they eat the food and head out to the beach. A massive tidal wave goes down on the other side of the Cornucopia and a cannon booms. 12 remaining. They collect their things and are about to place them down again when they see three figures on the beach, all a deep red colour. One is dragging another along, and the third is walking in loopy circles. The dragging one looks like she is throwing a strop.

Finnick: Johanna! I know it is you now, because nobody else in this arena can possibly throw a strop like that.

Johanna: Finnick! Is that you? You look like you are decomposing.

Katniss: I may have lied when I said it wasn't that noticeable, but looking at me you knew that already.

Finnick goes towards Johanna.

Peeta: Well, we can't leave him.

Katniss: Technically we can. I never wanted him as an ally, but now as we are friends I guess… wouldn't it be easier to go now before we get even closer. After all, it's not like more than one of us is getting out anyway and we can't get too attached.

Peeta: Yeah, that's right. We confuse fights to the death with love/friendship reality shows. Me and you. You and Rue. You and Cato in all of the Catoniss pairing you can read everywhere…

Katniss glares at him to shut up and figures that following Finnick is the lesser of the two evils. She walks towards Johanna and Finnick rather annoyed.

Katniss: She's got Beetee and Wiress? I thought she hated them. This is strange, I finally realize that now.

Johanna: Okay, there was this storm. We thought it was rain, because you know storms usually have rain in them and we were all so thirsty. Not that it is usually safe to drink rain water, but let's pretend it is. But it turned out to be blood, and we could not see or speak without getting a mouthful. It's a miracle none of us hit trees. Blight hit the force field. Seriously, he hit the force field even though there were hundreds of trees, bushes and shrubs he could have fallen over instead. He wasn't much but he was from home, and now I am left alone with these two.

Wiress: Tick tock, tick tock.

Johanna: I get it Wiress, you're in shock. Now shut up.

Wiress goes towards her and Johanna pushes her down, which makes Katniss mad. Finnick picks Johanna up and dunks her in the water as she yells curses at Katniss.

Johanna: I got them for you!

Katniss doesn't shoot as she thinks about it, then turns to Peeta.

Peeta: Don't shoot her. How else would you learn four dozen new colourful curse words? I did not even know there were that many.

Katniss fixes up Beetee's back as he got stabbed while collecting a coil of wire. Johanna gulps some of the water from a seashell Finnick collected, while Finnick explains coldly what had happened, leaving out the part about Mags.

Johanna: Where did you lose Mags?

Katniss explains.

Johanna: She was Finnick's mentor, which means she was half his family. It is funny how that works out, as mentors should not really get too attached to the tributes they are prepping for the slaughter. The chances are they will not make it back.

Wiress: Tick tock, tick tock.

3 pages later... as that is basically all that happens. Also, it gets a lot later.

Katniss: Oh look, it is a clock. Wonder why Beetee did not guess that, seeing as he can understand Wiress best and all...?


	5. The Careers Plan

**Disclaimer: The Hunger Games belong to Suzanne Collins. **

**A/N: This is the first and perhaps only one of the chapters not based directly on the book. This is the chapter where the Careers plan their attack on Katniss and their allies. Please comment; I'd love to know what you think. **

**Chapter 5 (The Careers Plan)**

Enobaria, Brutus, Cashmere and Gloss sit in the outskirts of the jungle. They watch Johanna get annoyed and decide that _everybody _in the arena can hear her, although the Careers do agree that Wiress's ticking and tocking is annoying.

Enobaria: Okay, we have to attack them at some point as all they are doing is gaining allies. Several hours ago would have been better, you know the point where they were injured or when they were with that Morphling. Nobody pretend we didn't see that, as if we keep to the outskirts of the jungle this arena is not exactly large and we can see the whole beach.

Brutus: Shut up 'Baria. Thinking about attacking is never a good thing. If we hadn't thought about it, we would have attacked them a long while ago.

Enobaria: Call me 'Baria one more time and I'll rip your throat out. You know I will; I've done it before.

Gloss: You have to be rather close to rip somebody's throat out. Short of you rolling around on the ground like a bunch of puppies fighting, how did that even happen in the first place?

Enobaria: Pretty much like you said, except it was the final two and for some reason knife-throwing or long distance killing was no longer exciting enough. They regretted that. You want to talk; you're the one who somehow got hit by Girl on Fire in the bloodbath.

Gloss: I still think it makes no sense. What was she aiming for?

Enobaria: I don't know. I mean it, you are a massive target. But she does hunt. Maybe she thought that you were a squirrel.

Cashmere: This is what happens when literally every Career pack ever tries to make plans.

Enobaria: I never told you to speak. There's no point, is there? The author hates blondes and District 1s, especially female blondes and District 1s, so you have absolutely no chance in hell.

Cashmere: Author?

Enobaria: Never mind. Okay, I've got a plan coz I remember how this goes. We attack them at the time we are the most disadvantaged, coming out of the water where they can easily attack us. We will not hide behind the Cornucopia; instead, they will be there and have access to all the good weapons they left behind the first time. Cashmere, Gloss, you go in first and take out the most useless member of their alliance. After this point, you do absolutely nothing. Do not use her as a human shield, as much as that would make sense, and do not attack those that actually have a chance of killing you like Katniss Everdeen or Johanna Mason. Got it?

Gloss: So we are meant to believe that this is a good plan?

Enobaria: Don't worry, I know it works out fine. I've read the book, and I've got absolutely no reason to lie to you. It's not like it is a fight to the death where only one of us can get out, and you two might actually be a threat after learning to fight together your whole lives and so can work in tandem really well.

Cashmere: Do we turn out fine?

Enobaria: That depends on your definition of 'we' and your definition of 'fine'.

Cashmere: Okay, 'we' means me and Gloss. 'Fine' means…

Brutus: Shut up. If you aren't quiet within the next few seconds I will cut your pretty blonde head off.

Gloss raises his dagger at Brutus with a cold expression.

Enobaria: Okay, placing out bets. Who's going to win… oh, it's two against one and Brutus, you are on your own. See, absolutely _no _reason I'd want Cashmere or Gloss out of the running.

Brutus: Are we going to attack them or what?

Enobaria: Come with me Brutus. Let's do some District 2 stuff.

Brutus and Enobaria walk until they are out of earshot of the other two, who are trying to figure out whether 'District 2 stuff' means what fanfiction writers seem to think it does with the Brutus/Enobaria pairings. They can still hear Johanna and the rest of Katniss's alliance. Wiress's constant 'tick tocks' are also heard.

Enobaria: Okay, here's the plan. Cashmere and Gloss go in first. When they are most likely killed, providing Fire Girl does not decide to go shooting at squirrels again instead, we duck behind the Cornucopia and attack them. Even if that fails, we'll be able to get away quickly and by the sounds of their arguing, Johanna will kill Fire Girl and Volts won't last much longer.

Brutus: No, that sounds too logical. Katniss the Magnificent has to seem like a hero, so we attack them full force. Although I am not completely stupid. _We _get to duck behind the Cornucopia, but let's not collect any more decent weapons while we are there.

Enobaria: And again, I will aim super-low like Katniss did. Nothing above the belt, but not high enough 'below the belt' that it will be overly harmful. Like maybe throw a knife at their leg or something. You know, the way I didn't kill Beetee and now he has the wire and means to kill us just like he did to the tributes in his first Games.

Brutus: And I don't think I do anything much at all. Maybe I attack Peeta or something, but with nowhere near as much power as I did in the training centre so somebody else could easily block it as applicable. Also, I will not get any kills. Despite the fact that we will come in from behind and we could probably do it while they are distracted by Cashmere and Gloss.

Enobaria: If we were logical, we would attack them now while they are still on the beach and we can get them from behind while we have cover. But no, let's definitely wait until they get to the Cornucopia.

Brutus: Agreed.

They return to the pair from District 1.

Cashmere: Just because my brother and I were alone together for more than two seconds does not mean there have to be any fanfics with the two of us as lovers. We are brother and sister. Just saying.

Gloss: You know they still will, right?

Enobaria: Nobody cares. Now, they are just about approaching the Cornucopia. Time to put our suicidal plan into action.

Brutus: I would kill them but we already agreed to let them get away with it with all their decent alliance members intact to add tension or something… let's do this.


	6. The Careers Attack

**Disclaimer: The Hunger Games belong to Suzanne Collins. **

**A/N: Okay, another chapter of this. Time to see the result of the Careers' plan. :)**

* * *

**Chapter 6 (The Careers Attack)**

Katniss: It's a clock. We have to move. It is not suspicious at all that Beetee did not get this. He's a bad alliance member. Was he trying to kill us?

Beetee: Wire.

It takes them a few minutes to figure out that he does in fact mean 'wire' and not 'Wiress'.

Johanna: He got stabbed getting this. I wonder why he got it. Maybe he could garrotte somebody, but could you imagine him doing that?

Peeta: He won his Games using a wire.

Katniss: Shouldn't you know that as you nicknamed him Volts.

Johanna: Well, there is absolutely no plan I can be covering up by saying that, is there? I'm sorry for not figuring it out, as I was keeping the useful members of my alliance intact exactly like you did. But, in order to annoy you, I'll forget about Blight and say you killed Mags off.

Katniss grabs her knife, thinking about attacking Johanna.

Johanna: Try it. I don't care if you are knocked up; I'll rip your throat out.

Katniss: You and Enobaria must get along very well.

Johanna: Nah. I hate her. She tries to sue me for copyright. Speaking of which, let's get around to killing her.

They go to the Cornucopia and watch to make sure they are right about the clock. Apparently there is no way they could move around several sectors and watch from the forest where they are more concealed, and might not show everybody where they are.

Katniss imagines ways she could go about getting Finnick killed, and Snow, and Johanna, because she is a lovely and caring main character.

Wiress cleans the wire as the rest of them shelter under the Cornucopia. She sings Hickory-Dickory-Dock although that is not named, but everybody knows which song it is. At this point we wonder where she would have heard it in Panem, as the Capitol doesn't like influences from before the Dark Days.

Beetee: She's like a canary in one of your coal mines.

From this point on, _everybody _guesses that she is going to be exactly like a canary and get killed, stop singing, and alert them of danger. Especially as a full page is spent emphasizing this.

Katniss: I see you can talk now. Congratulations and welcome to the story.

There is a pointless couple of pages where they draw the clock. The readers are still waiting for Wiress to get killed… oh look it happens. Gloss comes out of the water and slits Wiress's throat. Cashmere is also there, but for some reason nobody knows that until she is killed.

Gloss: Now to follow the plan. Let Wiress slide to the ground and get shot. Hey, this is a stupid plan.

He gets shot.

Katniss: What did I tell you about how many lines you have in this thing? Also, that arrow may have been up the arse of a monkey mutt. And for you fanfictions writers, this is not Cupid's Arrow. I am killing him. I don't want any me/Gloss pairings. I'm in love with… um… _Peeta_. Now to never think about Gloss again as I am very cold-blooded and don't care about killing people anymore. That's my fifth Career kill now… that's almost a half dozen.

Johanna throws an axe at Cashmere.

Cashmere: Can't I at least get some recognition at all, not just a statement that I get killed. Katniss just killed my brother.

Johanna: Oh shut up. You don't get any lines either, and you're a baddy so nobody cares. After all, there is no logical reason why you would want to protect yourself and your brother over Katniss Everdeen who killed both of the tributes from you district last year, said by me who also hates her. Besides your whole attack takes place in a paragraph.

Brutus tries casually to spear Peeta, which Finnick blocks. Enobaria stabs him in the leg which will not have any further affect from this point on.

Katniss: Wow, you are just as good a shot as I was at the Cornucopia. And you stabbed Beetee then unsuccessfully. Are your teeth the only weapons you know how to use or something?

Then, because they clearly are a bunch of untrained people from lower districts instead of Careers, Brutus and Enobaria run. Three cannons fire at round about this point.

The Cornucopia spins. This is described in about the same amount of words as the Career attack. Beetee is in the water, and Katniss goes out to swim for a wire. This is described in about twice the amount of words than the Career attack.

Katniss: Good thing that Wiress is as unimportant to your apparent plan as Mags and Blight are. Only the useless characters from my alliance seemed to be killed off.

This is completely true. They walk off the Cornucopia island and back to the beach. They have a long discussion about which time section they are in now. As the Careers have been chased away, they do not go back to the Cornucopia and watch like they initially wanted to. Wait, did they ever prove that thing with the clock while they were at the Cornucopia or was it just drawing a map and the Career attack…?

Katniss: I feel so guilty because they took that advantage away from us too.

Johanna: Do I have to point out the obvious? As Beetee was still mute, and possibly trying to kill us which makes me dislike him even more, you had to tell us or the clock would have got us. Use logic.

Katniss: Plus, we got to kill some Careers, without really any injuries of our own that seem to matter to the plot.

Katniss and Finnick tap a tree. Katniss notices how everybody is protecting Peeta, and is very confused for about four times the length of the short, mostly-undescribed, blink-and-you-miss-it Career attack.

Katniss: This is very strange.

She hears Prim screaming.

Katniss: Prim! Prim! This would have been an awfully good time for Finnick to restrain me, before he heard his own loved ones shriek. Seriously, he's bigger than me and stronger than me, I was holding a spile so I don't have my weapon quickly at hand. After all, even though I am only _just _beginning to figure it out, he is protecting me…

**What do you think? Please leave reviews. If you want to check out my other parodies, please do so. The links for them are on my profile. :)**


End file.
